The universe hates us (Earth that is)

In the last year we've seen two events that I think prove that the rest of the universe is going to be really disappointed when we finally show up to our first big galactic council meeting. Actually there's a lot more than two, but today I'm just focusing on two in particular.

1.NASA bombing the moon

I'm sure by now most of you know that this past October, NASA bombed the moon. Sounds ridiculous right? Well as ridiculous as it may sound to us folks NASA didn't think so. They thought that if they fired a missile at the moon in just the right spot they would find water vapor. Well their curiosity paid off and sure enough they found what they were looking for. Does it make it sound any less ridiculous? No. But hey! They found water vapor! You know what that means don't you? Newly available beach front property! Vacations to the moon!!!!!

But lets get realistic here. We really know what this is all about. They (and we all know who "They" are, but for those of you that are somewhat confused, "They" are often referred to as "Them" in addition to "They", sometimes also known as Board of Shadowy Figures) are just there to exploit this natural resource of the moon. They are going to exploit it and the creatures that live off of this vapor who live in the currently unbombed parts of moon will suffer. An artist's conception has figured that these creatures probably look something like this:

It all reminds me of another certain moon dwelling species whose home was exploited: the ewoks. And what happened in the end there? The rest of the galaxy responded and those who were doing the exploiting got their fucking house blown up. Personally, I like my house intact as opposed to blown up. So, please NASA and They, please don't get our house blown up. Let's leave the little moon-dwelling crab things alone, and not piss off the rest of the universe.

2. Norway's missile attack on the negaverse (and not the negaverse from Darkwing Duck or Sailor Moon, the real negaverse. Those are just cartoons, this is reality)

In December (this month for those of you keeping score at home), a spiraling vortex was seen over Norway in the night sky. If you haven't seen it yet, here's a peak:


Some say that it could be a comet or a Russian missile test. Russia denied reports of the test only to say that it actually was them after all (and not them "Them" or them "They", but them Russians) which leads to the only plausible conclusion: They (as in the "They") are using Russia to distract from the fact that They are firing missiles into the negaverse. When the rest of the universe hears about this, if they already haven't, they (not the "They" but just they) are going to be pissed. The negaverse did nothing to no one, and now They are suddenly declaring war on the peaceful negaversians. The negaversians just sit and mind their own negabusiness and leave us alone. I guess that's what makes them our negaverse. We conduct missile attacks and they kick back, hang out, and leave every one alone. Yup, the rest of the universe is going to be really pissed at us for this one.

Honestly though, if the Mayans were right the universe won't have to worry about that first awkward meeting. Come 2012, we'll be gone and the rest of the universe will be happy. Sure the negaverse will have some cleaning up to do. I'm sure They will manage to do Their fair share of damage to them in the next few years. But it will be a small price to pay to have us off their hands. To the rest of the universe we're probably like that cousin you only see every 10 years or so, and it's always 10 years too soon. He always just shows up, wrecks your shit, and them fucks off leaving You with crap to clean up. But when he's finally gone you can breath a sigh of relief and take comfort in the fact that it'll be a long time until you see him again.

People who know me are most likely aware that one my idols is George Carlin. I really think he's the great philosopher of our time. The man was a genius. In his HBO special Complaints and Grievances, one of his bits was just a list of people who he though aught to be killed. The list included people who read self help books, people with bumper stickers that advertise their honour student, people who carry their baby around in front packs, and self important techno-dicks with hands-free phone headsets. Well, since George died in June 2008, he won't be able to expand that list anymore, but I think I found some people who would definitely make the cut. It's a little more specific than the items on his list, but I think he would approve

Parents who don't allow their children's school to assign homework.

It's true. They're out there. Check this out. They signed what's being called a differentiated homework plan that allows for their kids to not have to have homework sent home. It's a contract saying that their kids can't have homework. No matter how many times I read it, it still makes no sense. Apparently these parents thought their kids (who are in grade 5 and 7) were too overloaded with homework and it "kept [the] children from improving their weak areas". Like what? Sitting on their ass playing guitar hero? Learning to masturbate quietly when people were home? I know that's what I focused on. I realize that these weak areas being referred to are their weak subjects, but I'm sorry, their weak areas aren't going to improve. However they will eventually become quite skilled in sitting in their underwear, eating cereal, and watching games hows all day.

This half-wit parent says that it's useless for the kids to be getting marked on their homework, because the older siblings and parents are the ones doing the homework for them. Well here's an idea bruno: maybe make your kids do their own homework and they might have a chance at not growing up to be a complete fucking imbecile like their parents.

What the hell is going to happen to these kids? Homework is a part of growing up and going to elementary and high school, and eventually university (if you go that road). When these kids grow up - or just age, because growing up implies that their will be some kind of maturing happening - are their parents going to try sign a no speeding ticket contract with the city police? Will they stand in court arguing that their kids don't deserve the ticket because it their too overloaded with parking tickets? They need to focus on not parking illegally because it's one of their weak areas.

Carlin said that today's kids are way too soft, and the fault lays on the parents. They want to protect their kids from everything. As Carlin said "these soft fruity baby boomers are raising an entire generation of soft fruity kids." But maybe Carlin would agree with it on some level. Maybe one day these kids won't have chemistry homework assigned to them, so they won't know to not drink the red stuff that only looks like Kool-Aid. Carlin called it passive eugenics. Maybe he was onto something.

I don't doubt that these parents aren't trying to help their kids. I'm sure they think that they're doing the right thing. But, to quote George one last time: "If you wanna know how to help your children? Leave them the fuck alone!"